Last week was a big week for Pat (my dear husband) and I. We had a video call with my doctor to determine if this is the right time to move on to a new drug…a stronger treatment for my autoimmune disease Cicatricial Pemphigoid. I have been having flare-ups for weeks. (Let’s be honest…I have been having flare-ups for about 2 years but I keep trying to convince myself that I am better.) I have delayed this change for at least the last 9 months because I did not want to be on this drug, and I did not want the consequences that may develop.
I have been living in fear of the unknown, the lack of control, and the possible side effects. I do not want to live in fear anymore! I want to be the victor not the victim!! Read more on Fighting Fear HERE!) I have been more comfortable with “knowing” the pain and consequences of my current state and current drugs than “not knowing” what my pain and consequences would be on a new drug. Unfortunately, to remain in the status quo means that I am always in pain which is hard for me and my loved ones to witness. I am ready to make a change. It is time for me to kick fear out of the driver’s seat of my life and move forward with an opportunity to improve and heal.
So here we go!! I will remain on all my current treatment but add to it another drug called mycophenolate mofetil or CellCept. It is a drug used for transplant patients as an anti-rejection drug. However, people with my disease and other diseases like mine have found relief from the symptoms of pemphigus and pemphigoid on this drug. Mycophenolate mofetil is an immunosuppressant drug. If my immune system is suppressed then it cannot attack my own body. So, voila! Blisters are gone! At least, that is the hope!
There are potential side effects from this drug.
Nausea
Upset stomach
Diarrhea
Increased risk of getting certain cancers
Increased risk of getting infections
Blood issues such as low blood counts and higher glucose levels
and others…
My goal is to focus on the potential benefits and NOT the potential side effects. I choose to stay positive. I CHOOSE JOY in this opportunity to feel better and have a better quality of life. Sometimes, I have to CHOOSE JOY every hour when I am having a bad day, but I CHOOSE JOY all the same. Thank you, Pat, my doctors, and my God for the patience and support and love that I have felt while making this decision over the last year. (To read more about CHOOSING JOY, click HERE for Life’s Journey #13: Choose Joy.)
I read this quote online today. I hope we all choose to keep fighting. To hold our heads up, with God at our side to shield and protect us, to fight the battles of this life. Let’s be BETTER, not BITTER. Let’s choose to be a VICTOR, not a VICTIM. How may I best support you in this effort?Please share with me the battle you are fighting so I may pray and support YOU, too!
PRAYER:
Abba, Father. Hear the prayers of your children. You already know what we are fighting. You know our choices and our actions. You know US and our situations. Lord, give us the strength to endure and to be strong… to CHOOSE JOY… to choose to follow you in all things and at all times. Thank you, Jesus.
Fear…that pesky, little bugger. Fear creeps into my mind and emotions with each unexpected change in my life. Fear may creep in slowly with little doubts and insecurities as with a change in plans, a change in the random sounds my car makes, or a change in my path when I take a wrong turn. On the other hand, fear may penetrate my mind with the force of a gale wind when the changes are overwhelming or over-concerning such as a change in a relationship, a change in health, or a change job status. It is not invited. It is not wanted. But fear does not care. It shows up, SO we need a path to guide us out of it!
The enemy loves to use fear to try to throw me off track…to move my focus from trusting in God and His strength, His power, His healing, and His plan to focusing on myself and all the things I cannot control. When I focus on myself and my limited ability to control my life on my own, fear takes the driver’s seat. When fear is driving, it reminds me that I am not enough on my own; I lack control; and I often do not know which way to turn. Living in fear is unacceptable!
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.“
One of my favorite authors, Annie F. Downs says, “Our feelings can ride, but they cannot drive our lives.” I may be fearful for any number of reasons. BUT I work to CHOOSE JOY in my circumstances in the midst of the fear. I choose to replace the fear with trust in God and His plan. I choose to let God lead and I follow as a faithful servant. I choose to rely on God’s promises for direction and hope. For as a follower of Christ, God promises me power, love and self discipline through the Holy Spirit in me (see 2 Timothy 1:7 above). For I am not in control, but God always is!!
So HOW do I fight fear?
“Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”
These verses remind us of how to refocus our hearts on Truth when we are afraid. In summary,
Attitude – Focus on the positive. Choose joy.
Prayer – Pray continually. God wants to hear us cry out to Him, worship Him, and state our requests to Him. He is our provider.
Gratitude – Count our blessings no matter the circumstances. Remind ourselves of all the wonderful ways God has helped us in the past. By documenting our reasons to be grateful, we are able to look back on God’s faithful grace and mercy in the past to give us hope and joy for future blessings.
Belonging – We are the children of God saved by the blood of Christ Jesus, His Son, and we are filled with the Holy Spirit. God has a plan for us and we belong to Him. We are created, known, loved and provided for by our God.
Destination – We will be in heaven with Jesus. This life on earth is not the end. It is not even the best part! Our true home and our perfect selves are in heaven for eternity.
Companionship -We are not alone…ever. Jesus is with us always and will never abandon us.
Basically, we all have feelings. Our feelings are real…we feel what we feel. We are able to acknowledge them, but we need to resist allowing our feelings to control us. I don’t want to live with anger in control or sadness in control or fear in control of me and my actions. Do you?
PRAYER:
Abba, Father. We don’t want fear to drive in our lives. We want You to be the driver. We need You to be the driver. Lord, help us to stop allowing fear to control us. Help us to resist and rebuke the enemy in the name of Jesus so that he may not use fear as one of his tools to lead us away from you. Help us to recognize when we have turned from you and our trust in you. We will never have control but we know you have complete control. You are the Maker of all things, Lord, and You rule all things. Thank you for your grace, mercy, power, love and self-discipline that allows us to always be joyful and find thanksgiving in all things regardless of the circumstances. Amen.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER:
When was the last time you were afraid?
What were the circumstances? What was causing your fear?
Looking back, are you able to see things now that you are grateful for in the midst of the challenge?
What are those things? Write them down and put them in a safe place. Read them when you need to see how God is working in your life to redeem your story.
In my quiet time this morning, I was reflecting on a conversation yesterday with my counselor. I discussed with her that I am struggling with anxiety and coping with current trials. Not only was I anxious but I was feeling guilty about my anxiety. “I have decided this year I will CHOOSE JOY in all circumstances,” I stated. “So why can I not do that? Why am I still anxious?” I told her that some days I feel overwhelmed and less successful at focusing on the JOY. I know God has blessed me and provided for me over the years in many ways. But the JOY seems to evade me and the anxiety seems to surround me. Am I the only one who feels this way at times?
I am so grateful that the Holy Spirit did not leave me in that place of confusion and guilt. My quiet time this morning was not just a reflection on the turmoil of emotions that I was feeling yesterday. It was also a time of wisdom, great healing and hope. Multiple resources seemed to acknowledge my feelings, affirm my humanity, weakness and sin, and point me to the strength and protection of God when I feel vulnerable, anxious and unsure.
GOD-MOMENT #1: I am reading the book Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado. In the first chapter I read today, I was struck by multiple ideas that seemed to jump off the page and say to me, “I HEAR YOU! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!” The quote below described exactly how I felt yesterday with my counselor – anxious and guilty for the anxiety.
“One would think Christians would be exempt from worry. But we are not. We have been taught that the Christian life is a life of peace, and when we don’t have peace, we assume the problem lies within us. Not only do we feel anxious, but we also feel guilty about our anxiety! The result is a downward spiral of worry, guilt, worry, guilt.” ~ Max Lucado, Anxious for Nothing
Max also reminded me that swirling anxiety and guilt and more anxiety and guilt can lead to sinful behavior. When anxiety is left unchecked and festers in our hearts with self-blame and guilt causing even more anxiety, it may lead to more damaging behaviors to find control such as alcohol abuse, binge eating, excessive shopping, food denial, anger or a number of other responses. This addictive behavior may result in even more hurt, trauma, and isolation. It is a form of idolatry, where we substitute behaviors and feelings to help us rather than turning to God to help us. One path leads to destruction while the other leads to hope and healing.
Not only were my feelings of guilt and anxiety acknowledged and affirmed, but I was also reminded of another quote mentioned by my counselor yesterday which leads me to God-Moment #2…
“Addiction is ultimately an issue of worship. We worship something other than God. Relationships, a substance, a feeling, a person. Addiction, whatever the substance, is ultimately an issue of idolatry. God says, ‘Don’t have other Gods before me,’ and we choose something other than Him.” ~ Edward T. Welch from Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave: Finding Hope in the Power of the Gospel
Oh boy! This hits home. I have had issues with a food-denial additions in the past…about 20 years ago, specifically. I know the thought-processes and the behaviors. I understand the negative thinking and self-criticism. I know what it means to put emotions, feelings and behaviors in the lime-light rather than God as my Creator, Jesus as my Savior, and the Holy Spirit as my Protector. I have been there and don’t want to go back. I see the warning signals and desire for control.
BUT…oh how I love the word BUT in these situations…I also was reminded that I am NOT alone! I was not meant to get through this life by myself. I am not in the battle as the only warrior. I have others and I have my God to help me. I am known, loved and created wonderfully by God. Jesus already took the penalty for my sin. And the Holy Spirit is by my side and protecting me from evil, guiding me through the rough waters and reminding me that I am loved…dearly loved. I am loved not only by God but by my community of believers, my friends and my family.
What great wisdom and reminder for being prepared and on the watch for enemy to take hold of me.
GOD-MOMENT #3: With all this in my head, I turned to my reading of the Psalms for today…Psalm 31, 91, and 121. And God met with my in Psalm 121. All of the confusion, anxiety, guilt, alone-ness, and fear of anxiety-escalation lead me to this glorious Truth…
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
6 The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,
both now and forever.
My help comes from the Lord. YOUR help comes from the Lord. He will not let us stumble. He will watch over us continually. He will stand beside us as our protector always. Rest in the arms of the Lord. Seek His forgiveness, confess your sin, and accept Him as your Savior, Protector, and Guide.
PRAYER:
Thank you, Jesus, for this Truth. Thank you for the timing of your Word and the other resources you used to speak into my life and my anxiety. Thank you for this message hold in my heart as my prayer to you and my reminder of your faithfulness. My hope is in You, Lord. My strength is in You, Lord. My protection is from You, Lord. Help me remember where my hope and strength and protection comes from on the days I forget. You are a merciful and gracious God and I love You. Help me obey You and follow You all the days of my life. Amen.
QUESTIONS TO PONDER: (Please add your voice to the comments as an encouragement to others.)
Where do you turn, other than God, when you are fighting for control?
How has God reminded you of His presence and His desire to be your one and only God?
What is your story of overcoming an anxiety or addiction by the power of God and your community of support?
Hello, Sweet Circle. Can I just say that, “It has been a week.”
One of the deepest desires of my heart is to be true to myself and true to you. I shared in my last blog post Life’s Journey #15: The Drowning Man, my latest struggles with the decisions on my treatment for my autoimmune disease. I was struggling. I had doubts. I was crying out to God. I was asking and pleading for direction, and honestly, I was frustrated that I did not hear God’s voice. “Why aren’t you leading me, Lord?” This was a frequent cry of mine over the last week. I even prayed something to the effect of “Why am I praying if I cannot hear You, Lord?!” Yikes! As harsh as that may seem, I know my God, my Lord, is big-enough to handle my questions. He is big enough to hear my frustrations and not lash out at me or abandon me. He loves me and He loves YOU. He desires to hold me and hold YOU in His arms through it all …even when we are crying out to Him with our confusion, our laments, and even our anger.
Psalm 42 was one of the recent Psalms I read on May 12, 2023, while I was going through this challenging week. (See post In The Word #14: A Walk Through the Psalms for my reading plan.) I was moved by the honesty and directness of the Psalmist. My heart connected with these words as I read them. I loved the lessons and messages which spoke to me in these words. The permission to struggle, ask questions and praise our God in my communications with Him.
For the choir director: A psalm[a] of the descendants of Korah.
1 As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God. 2 I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him? 3 Day and night I have only tears for food, while my enemies continually taunt me, saying, “Where is this God of yours?”
4 My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be: I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration!
5 Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and 6 my God!
Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you— even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan, from the land of Mount Mizar. 7 I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. 8 But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.
9 “O God my rock,” I cry, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I wander around in grief, oppressed by my enemies?” 10 Their taunts break my bones. They scoff, “Where is this God of yours?”
11 Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!
LESSONS I LEARNED in PSALM 42:
Verses 1-2: I may express my longing for God. Sometimes I don’t feel as close and connected with God as I want to be. I know He has not left me, but I am drifting from Him for some reason. It may be my own sinful actions or unconfessed sin or time away from Him and His Word or whatever. But when I turn back to Him, I know He hears me. He is waiting for me to return. He welcomes me home to His open arms and His provision. He quenches my thirst for Him with His love and His Word.
Verses 3-4: I may be honest with my pain, my hurt, and my tears. God already knows what is going on in my head, my life, and my soul. He knows my hurt and my pain. I cannot hide anything from Him. I may open up to God in honesty, and I know His love is unconditional…always.
Verses 5-8: I may lament over my own confusion. And I praise God in the midst of the confusion. God’s provision, love and grace will wash over me like the waves of the sea. He is faithful, merciful, and full of grace. I may CHOOSE JOY always, knowing that God is with me always. Even when I am sad and my emotions are raging, God is with me. I may rejoice in Him, praise Him and the life that I have through His Son Jesus.
Verses 9-11: I may put my hope in God, my Rock. God desires my praise in all circumstances for my hope is in Him in all circumstances. Jesus has overcome temptation, peer pressure, sin, and death. I have eternal life in Jesus, because I believe. No matter what I am facing, I do not need to despair for I know God will redeem all. He will make beauty from ashes. He will remove all my shame, all my regret, all my doubts. For God is Good and I may CHOOSE JOY for the promises He gives me.
Amen and Thank You, Jesus.
I am not perfect and I make bad decisions. But amidst the struggles of my human side, I also know that I am a beloved child of God. I am known, valued, worthy and loved by my God. I am only saved from sin through the love of Jesus. Jesus is the one who can redeem my soul and forgive me of my shortcomings. My hope is in Him and Him alone. He is worthy of my praise. His shoulders may bear the weight of my questions and pain. He will redeem me and my life.
And He will do the same for you, my Sisters and Brothers!
QUESTIONS TO PONDER: (Please share in the Comments section below.)
What is the Psalm that speaks to your heart?
Why do you connect with it?
If you do not have a Psalm in mind, reflect on Psalm 42. Are you able to feel the Holy Spirit impress upon you comfort, hope and joy through the verses? What is coming to mind for you?
“To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
PRAYER: Thank you, Jesus, for your love and provision. You are our gracious, forgiving, and merciful God. You love us unconditionally. You know us completely…even our sin. Yet you will never turn away from us. You are patient and kind and will welcome us home to you when we seek you and ask for forgiveness. We CHOOSE JOY and choose hope for you are with us always. Amen.
A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.
Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”
The stranded fellow shouted back, “No, it’s OK, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.”
So the rowboat went on.
Then a motorboat came by. “The fellow in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.”
To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the motorboat went on.
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.”
To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.”
So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!”
To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”
This story was at the heart of my God-moment this week. Let me explain…
Over the last year, I have not been making progress with my current medication for my auto-immune disease…Cicatricial Pemphigoid. (For more mentions of this disease and the impact it has had on my life, read my blog posts: Behind The Scenes #3, Life’s Journey #10 and Life’s Journey #11.) I experienced some improvement from when I was first diagnosed in 2021, but not enough that I would be considered healthy and able to eat more freely. I did not want to go forward with the next recommended drug as it is a stronger drug and an immuno-suppressant drug. Both of these qualities for the new drug brought with them feelings of fear and anxiety for me. I was afraid that if I started an immuno-suppressant drug at the age of 54 then I would be preventing my body from being able to fight off normally harmless bacteria and viruses for the rest of my life. The following questions swirled in my head…
Would I be sick more frequently?
Would I be able to get over minor illnesses without major complications?
Would I need to restrict myself from participating in public events in order to avoid being exposed to potential illnesses?
What are the other side effects of the new drug on other parts of my body?
Would this cause a shorter life expectancy?
As you can imagine, these were not fun thoughts! I was experiencing a low-grade fever of anxiety, doubt and fear over next steps with this drug.
With that said over the last two months I have been pursuing a potential alternative treatment plan for my auto-immune disease through a more holistic approach. I went through many, many, MANY tests with the treatment center and received my results in mid-April. The results showed several issues other than the auto-immune disease. Some of the issues were even described to be extreme issues. The treatment plan would consist of significant diet changes, over 12 new supplements and medications, and IV therapy. That would be A LOT of changes and A LOT of meds to manage every 2 hours throughout the day.
I was struggling to make a decision to commit to a six-month treatment plan. My husband and I discussed our options thoroughly and often. My hubby was and is extremely supportive. We had our doubts but also felt that we needed to give this a shot. Before deciding, we also talked to my general practitioner, my brother-in-law who is an infectious disease doctor, our daughter who is in veterinary medicine, and most recently my auto-immune specialist. All 3.5 doctors (Madi takes her Board exams in December 2023 so I gave her 1/2 point!🙂) were very concerned about the treatment, the side effects of the supplements and IVs to my current prescription medications, my overall health with all the changes, and even more relevant…they did not agree with the interpretations of the results. They agreed that there were minor variances in the results, but nothing that would be a red flag or serious issue. Even after all these discussions, we said YES to the plan, but the struggle was not over.
Within days of accepting the plan, I was having increased anxiety and tearful days over the decision. I was worried about what my doctors told me. I was worried about managing all the changes. And I was worried about the cost. My heart was not at ease. On Monday morning, May 15th, I was praying and crying out to God about this situation. My laments consisted of the following:
Lord, you know I have been praying.
Lord, I know many others have been praying for me too.
Lord, I know you hear us, but why can’t I hear you and your direction in this?
Lord, how can I hear your voice in this? Help me hear you!
Lord, tell me what to do!
While these prayers, cries, and pleas were exiting my mouth, out-of-the-blue, I remembered the story above…The Drowning Man. And then I had an Ah-Ha thought…God sent me three and a half rescuers; three and a half rescuers who are not affiliated with each other; three and a half rescuers who are all saying the same thing.
“Is this You, Jesus? Is this You talking to me through the Holy Spirit in my soul? Is this You who brought to mind this story in the middle of my prayer and cries for discernment?”I believe it was.
I cancelled the treatment plan the very next day.
I truly believe that if the new treatment was right for ME at this time then I would be at more peace. Two days later, after cancelling the plan, I can say that the heaviness on my heart and mind is gone. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you to all who were praying for me in this decision. We still have more decisions to make regarding changes in my medicine. And we are seeking a second opinion due to the advice of my auto-immune specialist. And you can bet that I will be listening intently for the Holy Spirit’s nudges with future paths!
QUESTIONS TO PONDER: (Please respond in the Comments section below.)
What are you currently wrestling with?
How can we be praying for you?
If you are struggling to hear God’s whispers and feel His nudges through the Spirit, have you cried out to Him to help you hear Him? If not, take a moment to do so now. He desires to move you, love you, and lead you.
“Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.”
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