I remember one time my husband was telling a story to some friends of ours about how a complete stranger allowed me to drive his remote control plane at a campsite where we stayed in Texas. Mind you, this was not an inexpensive device back in the 1990’s! I was so embarrassed because I was convinced it was not me who flew the plane, but must have been another girl he dated before we got married. I pulled on his arm and whispered quickly in his ear, “Babe! That was not me. It must have been someone else you dated.” Of course, our friends overheard my exclamation and laughed. My husband laughed the most as he remembered every detail of our trip from where we stayed to what we did. If he tried hard enough he would likely remember what we were wearing that day! Not me. That memory was long gone!

Isn’t it funny how so many of our memories from great times and new adventures, slowly fade away over time? At least that seems to be what happens to me. However, I have memories from some of the more challenging times of my life that I am able to recall as if they happened yesterday. I remember the details of the events and even the emotions that I felt. I can bring back the pain and hurt if I think on it for too long.

As I mentioned in Behind The Scenes #5, when I was younger, I experienced an abusive relationship. It was a very painful and confusing time for me. It occurred during a time when I was still trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged. This relationship changed what I thought of myself. I felt shame and blame for what happened to me. I thought I brought it on myself and that I deserved the way I was treated. This lie changed how I was able to deal with other people for many years. It impacted future relationships with trust and control issues. I struggled with barriers and walls that kept me from being known by others for fear of judgement and abandonment. I did not like myself and felt that others would not like me either if they knew who I was and what happened in my past. So…I buried this part of my life and stuffed it in a closet that I never planned to open again.

With the trauma locked up, I tried to move on with life as if nothing happened. I lied to myself that everything was “fine” and no one would know that anything had changed. But people knew I was behaving differently. I was pushing people away who cared about me. I was keeping secrets and avoiding conversations. I was sabotaging relationships out of fear of getting hurt again. I feared making new friends, dating, being authentic in who I was. I tried to act the way I thought other people wanted me to act and look how other people wanted me to look. I struggled with eating disorders along my journey at times in order to bring control to my life when my emotions and life seemed out of control. I began to lose sight of who I was, what I needed, and even if God actually loved me. I felt unlovable. I was hurting others and myself by keeping my pain and experiences a secret and letting them fester in the dark.

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“‘Hurt people hurt people’ is more than a clever phrase….As that damage causes us to become defensive and self-protective, we lash out at others. Hurting becomes a vicious cycle.” – from Dr. Sandra D. Wilson, Hurt People Hurt People

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Thankfully, God did not let me stay in the dark, where the enemy thrives to ruin our lives and our hope. God placed people in my life who loved me unconditionally. I eventually was able to bring into the light what had happened. I had people who stood by me and spoke Truth to me. The more I talked about it and recognized who I was in Jesus, the easier it became to release the chains that it had wrapped around my heart, my relationships, and my mind. I began to heal and find hope again. I recognized that even in these areas of great pain and self-harm in my life, God was molding me to grow in character, wisdom and compassion for others who have struggled with pain, abuse and addictions of all kinds.

My, Sweet Circle. We are not perfect, nor have we ever been called to be. We will still sin. We will still behave poorly. We will be hurt and hurt others. We will still have to face the consequences of our actions. BUT…oh, how I LOVE the “but”!! BUT, we are worthy and valuable, fully known, completely loved exactly how we are through the blood of Jesus and His victory over sin. HIS victory becomes OUR victory. We do not have to be a victim any longer. And we do not have to seek perfection or “get better” before we can come to Jesus for help. Our freedom from the chains of sin is easy. We believe in our Lord and Savior, Jesus. And we are forgiven by our faith in Him. That’s it.

Our journeys may still be difficult and we may still stumbled BUT we rise again with a clean slate of forgiveness through our faith in Jesus when we confess and repent of our sin.

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“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

– 1 John 1:9

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I may not remember all the good stories. BUT, I am celebrating how God is working in my life every day to redeem the places of pain. God transforms our pain to beauty through His mercy, healing, and love. Thank you, Jesus! Amen! Amen!

QUESTIONS TO PONDER:

• Where are you hurting?
• Is your hurt impacting your relationships and your behavior?
• What is one step you can take today to walk towards getting help and finding healing?

PRAYER: Abba, Father. we are hurting and we need your love and your salvation. We do not need to hide from you for you already know us fully and created us with intention. Please help us to see the value and worth we have in your eyes and not rely on the world to define and judge who we are. We are already treasured by you and crafted for purpose by you. You are love. And you promise that if we live in love we live in you, and you in us. (1 John 4:16) You will never leave us alone. (Deuteronomy 31:6) If we call your name, believe in Jesus as our Savior, and accept your forgiveness through faith, we will be saved. (Romans 4:5) Thank you, Lord, for your love, healing power and forgiveness. Amen.

Hugs & blessings, my Friends,

Stacy